EEEK! Sorry, Loraine. I just noticed this-I'm not ignoring you, I promise!

'Opera'-geez, where to start...If it weren't so late (almost 3 AM my time) and my tongue (er, pen, keyboard, whatever!) were freshly sharpened, I'd have at it, but for now suffice it to say that this may be the single worst porn film I've ever seen. It's certainly one of the most monotonous and features some of the most unattractive professional performers I've laid eyes on in a while. None of them are helped by the bizarre costuming, which for reasons known only to the director, is meant to evoke ancient Rome (huh? The drama is supposed to be set in the present day. But I guess the whole "opera"/Italy connection prompted this brilliant sartorial choice. Because we all know Italians, regardless of era, parade around in what appear to be strategically arranged bed sheets and bay leaves.) Opera's also probably the first porn film I've viewed where there isn't even the smallest token gesture made to the idea of female pleasure (much less the reality). In Zupko's pornotopia women are just an interchangeable set of orifices, with preference given to the anus and then the mouth, usually one right after the other over and over and over. I think I saw only one very brief instance of vaginal sex and no evidence of a clitoris anywhere. There is no kissing, no caressing, and never a kind word of encouragement or appreciation exchanged between lovers. Lots of face-slapping, hair-pulling and general manhandling though. As bad as the women have it, the men here don't seem to be enjoying themselves much more. Most of them look bored, uneasy, or just not sure what to do with their hands or mouths since kisses and caresses appear to be prohibited by directorial fiat. I have a feeling a LOT of Viagra was consumed on that set because I don't know a man on earth who can look as miserable and uninterested as these performers do and keep it up without some heavy-duty assistance. Everyone involved looked like, at the very least, they'd rather be somewhere else and before the end I decided I did too and shut the film off. Apparently, I missed the shocking climax in which Papillon has anal sex with the devil (yeah-the doofus waltzing around in the papier-mache devil mask is really Old Nick himself.) Yawn...

As for you, me, Ms. Naughty and the wet noodles-hey, one excuse to revisit Australia is as good as another! Naked Noodle Nymphs on Noosa! Porn Pasta Party in Perth! Do you think we could persaude Tony C. to man the cameras? Mr. Comstock, I'm ready for my closeup. ;-p